Alone
by gwenn0
Summary: A late and lonely night at the office, a tired mind, a burdened soul. Aaron Hotchner reflects about his own solitude. Oneshot. Read and review.


_Title:_ Alone_  
Summary:_ A late and lonely night at the office, a tired mind, a burdened soul. Aaron Hotchner reflects about his own solitude._  
Word Count:_ 1,000_  
Date:_ March 24th, 2008._  
Author's Notes:_ My first Criminal Minds fic, YAY! Also, English is not my native language and this is not beta-ed, so feel free to point at any errors you find.  
_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing or no one. I really wish I had an Aaron Hotchner all by myself, but life just doesn't work that way…

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He was alone. It was late at night, and once again he was sitting in his office, only the dim light of his lamp illuminating the room as he pretended to work. Pretended, since his mind had wandered away from the paperwork in front of him hours ago. He blinked several times, trying to somehow easy his exhaustion, but his eyes were too tired to remain open any longer. Finally closing them, he sighed and leaned his head against his chair. Slowly, he took a deep breath as all the weight of his soul fell over his shoulders. Sometimes he wondered if it was all worth it, if the rewards he received from his life weren't too little compared to the heavy burden he carried alone.

Alone. The word had been echoing in his mind longer than he cared to admit. Even though he didn't feel lonely most of the time, he knew deep inside that he would always be alone. His choice - or rather his choices - had led him to the position where he was standing right now: reliable, upright, in charge – and sitting alone in an empty and dark office in the middle of the night, with no one to go home to. No one to miss him, no one to call and check on him, no one to be worried about him because he hadn't been home in the past few days. And those days away from home had turned into weeks, and then months, until the day he finally realized he didn't have a home anymore. He had a house, a roof above his head and walls around him that he used in a practical way, to keep his belongings and eventually have a shower and sleep. But that was not what a home was. And he didn't know what a home was anymore, because he had lost his.

His home had been taken from him in a silent process, so slow that he didn't even realized it was happening until it was too late. But he knew he should have seen it coming. The whole process was put in motion by his own choices and no one else's, so he knew. He knew what he was doing all the way. He knew what he was being asked to do, what he was being asked to choose, what he was being asked to sacrifice – and yet, he kept going. He could have changed his mind, but he didn't. The opportunity to go back was there all along until the very last moment, until it was impossible to undo everything, but he never considered it an option. He never looked back. And thinking better now, he realized he never looked around him either. He had broken promises, he had pushed people he loved away - and in response he had been left alone.

Alone. That little word again. He didn't know what to do about it. He didn't know if there was anything he could do about it. Maybe this was his fate, or maybe this was his karma. No matter what he called it, it didn't change the fact that he was alone. Sometimes it was hard to focus on anything else. That sick feeling in the pit of his stomach telling him he wasn't strong enough or good enough to carry on all by himself. The darkness in his soul telling him that he was the one who had made his burden so heavy. Sometimes, no matter what he did, he couldn't shake the feeling that he deserved it. Sometimes it was hard not to believe it was his entire fault. He had made his choices, now he had to live with the consequences.

He took another deep breath and sighed. His solitude was his fault. He had built walls higher than anyone could cross, thicker than anyone could break, stronger than anyone could shatter. And he hadn't built a door. He hadn't allowed anyone a way in. So yes, he was alone, by his own choice. The very same choice that drove his wife and son - his family, his home - away.

He loved her. And there was a time when he couldn't imagine his life without her. But those times were nothing but shadows now. That promise of eternal love, now he realized, was nothing but an illusion of a romantic heart. A promise he was doomed to break from the very beginning - and they both knew it. But, as any idealistic and romantic couple, they confidently chose to ignore it, deciding to bet their hopes on their love instead. It worked for some time, but not for time enough to fulfill the 'forever' part of their promise. Little by little, day by day, he saw his home slip through his fingers as he struggled to give priority to both his family and his career. Until the day she gave up fighting against his career and finally asked him to leave his job. But he couldn't give up his job. He had a duty to carry out, so he went to work – and came back home to find an empty house.

A house that would never be his home again - not without her, not without his son. And if that place wasn't home anymore, then what was the point in going back there? So he stayed at the office, night after night, throwing himself at his work until he couldn't think straight anymore, until he couldn't feel anything else but the need of having his job done – the need of fulfilling the vital duty that had driven his family away. The vital duty that had made him alone. It was his duty to do the right thing. And if the price to pay for being righteous to his own beliefs was burdening his soul and carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders, then he would do it, because it was the right thing to do.

Alone.


End file.
